When Dwight and I said, “I do,” we stepped onto a wild rollercoaster ride that would either make us, break us, or both. Since Dwight came from a family of neglect and emotional abuse with a manic-depressant mother who controlled through her anger and I came from a family of marital infidelity between my mom and my pastor, we found ourselves cycling in loop-to-loop pain.

Believers in messy families (which basically includes everybody who breathes) want to shine God’s light and make a huge Kingdom impact; but what do you do when your triggers tweak your weak and you find yourself needing more than a verse and a prayer to thrive above the snake line?

A marriage can survive a lot of things—but what makes it thrive most is God-hunger.

I know this because I’ve lived it. And this is our story—not of our marriage being perfect, healed, or painless—but how Jesus, my first Husband, showed up in the ruins, rewrote the script, and invited me into a love deeper than human vows can reach.

The Counselor We Wore Out

Our first few years of marital bliss were… volatile.

After Dwight had successfully ditched his old family tradition of eating raw meat (as in zero cooked), and after he no longer forbid me to dress our babies in OshKosh B’gosh onesies (because they said “gosh” on them), we returned to the counselor’s office, for the doctor’s latest and greatest assessment:

“You still have a lot of anger and defensiveness.”

Dwight’s response as he leapt off the couch and stomped out the door?

“NO, I AM NOT DEFENSIVE!”

(I’ll give you a minute. Yes, the irony is fully noted. And no, he didn’t see it at the time.)

No wonder our therapist—after so much time refereeing our emotional ping-pong, confessed:

“You two wear me out.”

I wasn’t sure whether to feel ashamed or proud. (We do have a powerful presence.)

Thankfully the Holy Spirit doesn’t charge by the hour (or we’d be broke.) He never gets tired of us. He keeps counseling, coaching, nudging, healing—even long after our human helpers throw in the towel, Jesus just picks it up and starts washing our feet.

The Father sweeps into every testy, trying, ugly moment, inviting us to cry out to him in the humility and faith of David.

“So don’t forsake me now, Lord! Don’t leave me in this condition. God, hurry to help me. Run to my rescue! For you’re my Savior and my only hope!”

Psalm 38:21–­22 TPT

(God bless you, dear David. You get me!)

Our God-idea Game

A few years into our marriage, in the middle of a heated argument going nowhere fast, the Holy Spirit plopped an idea in my head, prompting me to switch gears.

“Pause!” I exclaimed. We both froze.

“I think… we need… to invite the Holy Spirit into this.”

Dwight blinked. Blinked again. (He didn’t know what to expect next. Then again, neither did I.)

“Holy Spirit, Counselor, we invite you to take charge of this…discussion.”

“Amen,” said Dwight, sitting straighter.

Then came the strange part. I added a new rule: “Let’s try out-praising each other.”

You read that right. In the middle of our argument—forced encouragement.

Our first attempt was hilariously stiff:

“Babe…umm…your voice…is strong.”

That tiny attempt cracked open the door. Another praise. Another smile. A tinge of laughter. And suddenly, where accusation had built a fortress, honor began to tear it down.

I learned a few things that day:

1. The Holy Spirit loves to be invited to every party. (Even when it’s not a party.)
2. It’s more important to be kind than be right.
3. Praise disarms pride faster than arguments.
4. Sometimes all you need is a Holy Spirit pause and refocus button.

We discovered the devil hates it when people stop fighting against each other and start fighting for each other.

Hungry Hearts, Parched Souls

Let’s talk about hunger for a moment, shall we?

Behind many of our early arguments lurked a weird need for my assurance of Dwight’s purity—not rooted in love, but in fear (mixed with my well-endowed curiosity.)

The more Dwight hid from me, the hungrier I was to know what he was thinking. Yeah, through checking, probing, rehearsing, I sought relief and peace via Dwight’s good behavior.

Interrogation choked the very intimacy I hoped to find. You can’t demand safety and call it trust.

Only God fills our need for perfection. So, yeah, I needed to press my own pause and refocus button (and become more curious about the things of God!)

“Drink deeply of the pleasures of this God.”

Psalm 34:8 TPT

Peace sometimes looks like humbling yourself and changing your direction. (Repentance never goes out of style.)

Lord, forgive me and deliver me from fearing man over You. That’s idolatry. I break all agreements with the deceiver, and I choose to build my house on You, my Rock.

When My Body Betrayed Me

After years of fiery emotional pain, our twentieth year brought the blazing fires of physical affliction—a whole new firing. (Graduate level testing!)

Cervical dystonia, a disease involving misfiring in the brain, arrived suddenly, violently turning my head away from life as I knew it. My neck jerked unpredictably. My head twisted and contorted to the left and backward. I entered the strange new world of involuntary movements. Squeezing spasming pain traveled through my neck, shoulders, spine, mind, and soul.

I couldn’t walk straight. Couldn’t paint watercolors. Couldn’t stir a pot of soup. Couldn’t even sit without a brace. I crawled. I cried. I lay still in a heavy bed of suffering, begging God to please rewrite the script.

Pain has a way of making heaven feel strangely quiet. My thoughts spiraled:

Why now? Why me? Is this punishment? Will I ever get my life back? Will I still be useful to God? To my husband? To anyone?

I couldn’t see it then—but every contortion, every quiet devastation, every prayer prayed through my gritted teeth became a sanctuary. A forge. A place where Jesus came closer than breath.

I’m not saying this was a gift. I would never glorify a disease.

But I will glorify the One who stepped into the brokenness with me.

And I will rejoice that Jesus extends the same invitation to you. Intimacy…

Holy Romance in a Twisted Body

In the silence of ongoing spasms, in the vulnerability of being seen as misshapen and forsaken, in the fear of losing my voice and freedom permanently—I found my heart’s cry echoing the Shulamite in the Song of Songs.

“In this twilight darkness I know I am so unworthy—so in need.”

Song of Songs 1:5a TPT

To which the Shepherd-King tenderly responds to us:

“Yet you are so lovely.”

Song of Songs 1:5b TPT

“My darling bride, my private paradise, fastened to my heart. A secret spring that no one else can have are you—my bubbling fountain hidden from public view. What a perfect partner to me now that I have you.”

Song of Songs 4:12 TPT

This wasn’t just abstract poetry to my soul. This was Jesus, looking at my spasming body with adoring eyes. Calling me lovely. Not when I was healed, strong, poised, or smiling—but when I was lying flat on my back day and night, whispering his name from a faltering voice choked with tears.

Jesus didn’t wait for me to stand tall before he claimed me as his beloved. No. He sat on the bed with me and fastened me to his heart.

From this low place—my awareness of his love grew stronger than my pain.

Waves of grace cascaded in my broken spirit as he hovered extra close in my weakness.

The Thoughts That Heal You

Every single moment you are thinking of me!
How precious and wonderful to consider
that you cherish me constantly in your every thought!

“O God, your desires toward me are
more than the grains of sand on every shore!”

Psalm 139:17–18 TPT

These verses changed me.

Where I used to obsess over what Dwight was thinking, and whether or not it was safe, the Lord invited me to plunge deep into his rest—into what he was thinking about me. (And I can tell you with certainty: it was always fierce love. The most perfect thoughts you can imagine.)

I don’t know who needs this—but your spouse is not your source.
Your kids aren’t your crown.
Your calling isn’t your identity.
Your pain isn’t your prison.
Your disease isn’t your destiny.

And your God?
He will never stop passionately loving. (So, take a chill pill, devil!)

Revelation Rewrites Our Marriage

Decades into this journey, God called me to study the book of Revelation with Passion and Fire Ministries through Brian Simmons. (Glory-hallelujah!)

Dwight didn’t know what to think when he walked by my zoom room and caught only snippets.

Studying the book of Revelation is like learning a new language. It takes time and patience. I’ve never seen anybody spend as many years in the secret place, deep-diving into this life-giving, life-changing book as Brian Simmons.

The more he unpacked the symbolism, the more I wanted to devour every morsel of those scrolls, not missing a bite! (Who knew that Revelation would become my favorite book!)

I discovered Revelation isn’t a doom and gloom story.
It’s a wedding invitation.

It’s not about timelines and terror; it’s about relationship and revelation.
It’s not about the world’s destruction; it’s about Christ’s unveiling.
It’s the Bridegroom King returning for his beloved—and preparing her in the process.

The more I devoured this book, the hungrier I became. Dwight saw the change in me. He saw my joy deepening, even while my body still fought against me. He saw hunger instead of self-pity. Praise instead of despair.

Revelation opened me to something no counselor or therapy ever could.

The more Dwight watched my excitement soar, the more he wanted to join me! And the class transformed Dwight so much that we started the same study in our home with others!

Only God.

“Beloved, we are God’s children right now; however,
it is not yet apparent what we will become.
But we do know that when it is finally made visible,
we will be just like him,
for we will see him as he truly is.”

1 John 3:2 TPT

A Cyber Attack and a Bride still in Training

Please don’t think we never get tested now. (Although that would be a nice fantasy.)

Just last week, when I told my cybersecurity specialist husband that someone from Algeria used my password to get into my Instagram, while at the same time, Venmo asked me to re-enter my bank details, something tweaked his weak, and he launched into full-on crisis mode: stomping, ranting, eyes wild and wide, voice loud and unhinged.

It was like watching the old Adam break out of his grave.

No!

My flesh wanted to meet panic with panic. But God gently said, “Choose love.” (Arg! Why does God always have to be so…loving?)

After a quickie “God-help-me” prayer, I turned my face away from my husband’s glare onto Jesus’ smiling eyes and took a slow deep breath on the count. (“One angel…two angels…”)

“We’ve got this,” Jesus whispered in my spirit. (Had to be him, because I was kind of thinking the opposite!)

Instead of reacting to Dwight, God’s presence fueled me with his gentleness. When I chose peace, the atmosphere shifted. Although the devil tweaked my weak, God gave me freedom and victory!

Healing in Motion

Speaking of freedom, a few days ago, while attending a local conference, I felt God’s power on me as I danced with fluid grace and less stiffness!

I felt myself move in the heights of joy—around a room of worshippers—like a girl set free and unhindered.

These days I’ve been feeling freer and freer. Not just physically, but also emotionally and spiritually. (I think I even write freer. Freer! See?)

With my adoring Bridegroom King being formed in me, what else could I possibly want?

Truly, the secret of contentment is hungering for him above all other things.

Do I desire the Healer more than I want the healing?
Do I desire the Creator more than I want to create?
Do I desire the one who owns the cattle on a thousand hills more than any of the best lake houses?

A big fat yes!! Because there’s nothing more worth desiring than our Bread of Life!

Jesus, my number one husband, is the only one who will never let me down. He will never stonewall me—even if I wear a frown! (Ha!)

Do you ever just want to shout his name for the world to hear? (“Jesus!”)

Today I thank God for improvement in my body and my marriage. The last I checked; Dwight is still human. But guess what kinds of things I now look for in him? Things I’m thankful for! Here’s one for you:

I am married to one the humblest humans on the planet. You’re reading this article because Dwight encouraged me to get vulnerable. (Umm, thanks. I think.)

He said, “Honey, our story will help people grow hungrier for God.” (This time it was me jumping off the couch!)

With all my Bride-like heart, I pray you discover afresh how much Jesus is smitten by you. He is undone by your beauty like no other. Undone!

I pray you become hungrier each day for his unveiling and yours! (He already sees you through his blood as perfect.)

I pray the power of God ignites with my testimony (and yours) to bring lasting transformation everywhere you have influence.

Jesus is worthy of it all. Why not open your heart, surrender to his love, and receive everything he has for you today?

In the End, This Is the Song

“Let him smother me with kisses—his Spirit-kiss divine.
So kind are your caresses,
I drink them in like the sweetest wine!”

Song of Songs 1:2 TPT

So, here’s the call.
Not to marry better. Not to suffer less.
But to hunger for Jesus more than all of it.

Let your aches become altars.
Let your breakdowns become bridal rooms.

Don’t wait until the miracle—love him in the waiting.
Don’t wait until the pain stops—love him in the trembling. Even in the shaking.

Let him transform you until people don’t see more strength in you—they see more Jesus.

And one day—when the wild winds rise again, when the storms shake everything that can be shaken—you and all your loved ones will stand in the blazing fire of his goodness and say:

“I know this flame.
And I look just like him now.”

---

My Hungry Bride

Your hunger for Me was woven from My own—
a blazing flame of Holy desire I stoked in you
with one creative whisper: “Burn for me too.”

I smile while this dancing fire is nurtured,
eternally cherished, in your groaning awakening soul.

Beloved, you are never alone when we are interwoven,
Your sweet breath in My Spirit, My strong pulse in your veins.
Rejoice as we become one voice. A Divine duet in Love’s greatest story.

You become my look-alike Bride in this glorious intermingling,
your flesh kissed with fire. No accidents in what I desire.

I am your endless fine wine amidst every blink of sorrow.
You are My hot rising bread, well baked in My heart of burning love.

What is suffering when I braid it into glory,
turning ashes into oil and tears into testimony?

I plant My river of life in the middle of your pain.
My resurrection song is yours, to the tune of heaven’s refrain.

No worries, Bride of My new wine. Just nestle in My wonder,
in our union’s eternal flame. In this ongoing bliss kiss—
you are forever Mine.