Last Christmas, when Dwight reached under the tree and surprised me with dance lessons, I dreamt about trading in the pricey certificate for gold earrings. But somehow God turned those measly dance sessions into memorable marriage lessons, more valuable than a thousand smooth moves.

I discovered that, if I kept my eyes on our instructor’s face, I automatically leaned into his ever-so-slight body movements. My feet kicked into action with his. And suddenly, I felt like I was auditioning for Dancing with the Stars. What—really?

Left, right, forward, back. He clearly knew what he was doing. By leaning into the tension of his movements, my body sensed what to do next. His eyes shone with confidence as I spun, dipped, and twirled. Look at me, world!

“Now, it’s your turn, Dwight.” The instructor handed my husband back to me. Dwight swallowed hard and sucked in his breath. The music didn’t miss a beat as we tripped all over the place in perfect rhythmic tripping. Somehow I switched from near stardom to a musical comedy in less than two minutes flat.

God heard my invisible sigh and whispered back as he often does:

It’s OK, Cheryl. Enjoy the process. Dancing takes time, grace, patience, and practice.

On our way to connection, Dwight needed to learn how to lead with confidence, and I needed to learn how to follow.

Watching our instructor be on top of things reminded me God is always watching, speaking, and moving alongside us. When we keep our eyes focused on his face and move in close to his leanings, we fill up on his love, confidence, and grace, which surpasses our own.

Before we can give to others, we must receive from the Lord of the dance. We can’t adequately love, move, or even breathe without first receiving God’s filling.

Moving in Step with God

To lean into God with our time, hunger, and focused attention is to become a landing strip for his presence.

As we daily let him lead our dance, we open ourselves to good ideas, plans, and strategies that often sound like our own thoughts and discoveries, but they’re from the good gift giver himself. The one who studies our moves talks in our language.

When we gaze at him in his power, authority, and presence, we recognize we’re dancing in the secret place with the Star of stars in the most glorious dance of the ages. It’s a dance of spiritual unity that transcends understanding.

When we step on God’s dance floor, he empowers us to show up in his best attire for our spouse. We move to the beat of his heart. And then, as we connect with others, God gives us his energy and strategy which translates to more love and confidence worth following.

Love the Spouse you Have, and you’ll Have the Spouse you Love.

I’m not going to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do when your spouse fails to follow the rules. (You’ll need to consult your dance instructor about your own specific moves.) But I want to assure you God’s got your back even when your spouse doesn’t. God will vindicate where vindication is required. This ought to free you up from playing judge and jury.

“Husbands, you in turn must treat your wives with tenderness, viewing them as feminine partners who deserve to be honored, for they are co-heirs with you of the “divine grace of life,” so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

1 Peter 3:7 TPT

When a husband pulls his wife into a marital dance of roughness, anger, or harshness, she struggles to feel emotionally safe. Consequently, she often feels tempted to emotionally or physically disconnect from the dance. Not a smooth move—unless you’re OK with temporarily hindering communication with your dance instructor.

Since Dwight and I were both negatively impacted by parental harshness, we tend to be extra-sensitive to any degree of it. God sees every hard thing we endure, and he’s eager to reward us whenever we choose the right moves rather than condescending to the fleshly patterns of our Adam-like nature. Our Divine dance instructor teaches us how to communicate our feelings, apologize, make swift changes, and get back on our feet to his rhythm.

Jesus, Take the Lead!

When we make Jesus our number one dance partner, he becomes our fill-up station. When we hear him talk truth about who we are, what can possibly limit us (other than ourselves)?

Only from this filled-up place of Jesus-confidence can we lead and impact others. From love, we give love—rather than trying to extract it from others (who often run on empty as well).

Dwight hurts me most when he tries to pull from me what he needs first from God. I pray fervently that God helps him see that his negative self-talk is a deceptive trap, temptation, AND opportunity to cry out for himself to the Lord of the dance.

Heart surgery is a holy work, and God gives us connection through the two-way communication of prayer as our powerful victory strategy.

Early in our marriage, I tried to be Dwight’s personal counselor (as if I could do a better job than the Holy Spirit). I have learned to leave space for God on the dance floor. Dwight needs space to run to our instructor without me breathing down his neck.

Thank you, Instructor God, that you Never Waste a Beat!

Since we aren’t puppets and God doesn’t move our feet for us, we must intentionally move toward him. As long as we have the “want to” and keep in step with Holy Spirit, we will hear his personal instructions. Here’s one of his many gems.

“So above all, guard the affections of your heart, for they affect all that you are.”

Proverbs 4:23 TPT

To guard our heart means we don’t allow anything or anyone to come between us and God. We guard our connection, we follow God’s voice, and we stay on his dance floor—as we become more like him, his ultimate goal and ours.

Make His Rhythm Our Own

When Dwight and I disconnect or step on each other’s toes, God’s conversation with me sounds something like this:

I love you, sweet Cheryl. (Affirmation.)

Look at me, slow down, and breathe. (Instruction.)

Remember to ask questions instead of assuming answers, alright? (Direction.)

If I’m having a good day and I’m keeping in step with God, I respond to God first, before reacting to Dwight’s ways.

“I love you too, Dad. I love how you always hear me. Please give me your strength for my weakness.” (Love, appreciation, and petition.)

From this grace place, my words to Dwight sound something like this:

“Dwight Honey, what are you feeling right now?” (Question.)

“OK. Thanks for sharing. What do you need to feel right now?” (Deeper question.)

“Oh, you’re upset that I didn’t ask you first before I invited them to dinner? Honey, I am very sorry. I understand. Ouch, that must have been frustrating. Please forgive me. God, please help me do better next time.” (Grace-filled reflexive listening, understanding, repentance, and prayer.)

When we ask God for wisdom, he gives it to us, no strings attached. As we move to his voice above the noise in our head, we move with increased confidence, humility, peace, joy, and freedom (with connection!).

Whose Music are you Listening To?

Over the last 31 years of marriage, God has helped my dance with Dwight become more vulnerable, honest, and full of thanksgiving, BUT we’re still human; so, bare toes get bruised.

One moment Dwight and I could be dancing with the Star of heaven, and the next minute we could be dancing the ugliest Poka ever. (Poka, as in, I poke you, you poke me.)

Once I recognize we’ve gotten off track, I resist the urge to freak out about our mess up and instead see each trip-up as a beautiful invitation to lean in closer to my instructor and hear his voice above the noise.

“I see you, Cheryl. It’s never too late to do the right thing.”

“Beloved, I call you higher.”

“I give you my power.”

“You’re never more like me than when you forgive…”

God’s whisper changes everything, even the type of questions we ask. They move from: “Who started it?” “Who’s right?”  and “Who’s more mature?” to a brighter tune that sounds more like: “Who will love first?” “Who will forgive first?” and “Who will let Jesus lead first?”

Go Low and Grow Higher

Being the first one to run to God’s throne requires that I accept God’s softening of my heart before I worry about the hardness in others.

As I humble myself under God’s mighty hand, the feeling of my so-called “need” for a perfect human husband disappears. (I see my husband as my lover, not my savior.)

The weighty expectations I place on others are misplaced desires for a type of perfection only Jesus can fulfill.

Besides, Dwight is quicker to get with God’s program when I focus on my own dance moves as opposed to showing him how far “off” his may be.

When Dwight sees me dancing joyfully, confidently, and lovingly in God’s enticing embrace, he is more likely to let the Lord of the dance woo him in closer too. My demonstration does a better job than my preach. Oh, what lovely dancers God helps us be!

Step Together Step!

“Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. … Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect … Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense.”

1 Corinthians 13:4–5 TPT

To feast on the delicate, delicious morsels of love from 1 Corinthians 13 is to let God’s flavors saturate my being until each of his virtues becomes me. When my steps fail to match up with God’s Word, I let its sharpness do its work as I cry out to God for Divine alignment.

Goodbye old hurts, bad habits, habitual fears, false-security, detestable pride, and selfish ambition… Every marital conflict and disagreement becomes an opportunity to agree with Jesus faster and become a better dancer in his arms.

Me and God, we catch the little foxes that try to spoil the vines. We do it together. We break up with anything that tries to break us up. Every sin that so easily entangles, farewell, goodbye.

To protect my priceless connection with God and my husband is to sever every bad connection. I want every flutter of my heart to stay in sync with my glorious instructor.

The Connection of All Connections

Guess what? We get to retire from controlling others’ feet on the dance floor! Instead, we get to cling to God in the secret place. His love keeps us strong, content, and light on our feet no matter what others do.

Although connection with our mate is our number one marital goal, staying intimately connected with God is the goal of all goals; for he is our wellspring of life. He helps us seek peace and pursue it. When conflict strikes, he turns pain into an opportunity for Divine intimacy.

Friend, rather than complaining and having a pity-party, you, too, can count it all joy—because you are Christ’s Bride first. And it doesn’t get better than that.

Thank you, Lord Jesus, that every conflict is a glorious invitation to let you, King of my heart, lead the dance. I celebrate in joy that your blood covers all my sin. You give me grace to forgive others as you have forgiven me! You spin me around in your own pure white robe!

You move close, I move close. You lean in, I lean in. I give myself fully to you again. And there it is… Your life-changing bliss-kiss that forever melts me in your loving embrace.